F Leonard Little

Feels sorry. Until he gets a few drinks in him; then feels like driving.
Leonard Little wants to ask forgiveness. "I killed someone and I think about it every day." Little admits. Except for that one day 6 years later, when he was picked up again for drunk driving. So, no, Bryan Burwell of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, I don't want to forgive him. Thanks for offering. I would like to see him hit by a meteor, if that's on the bargaining table.

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Mario Kart Wii - Review

O, Mario... sei un bello uomo!

Mario Kart Wii was released on Sunday, much to my surprise. I didn't even know it was in the works. This is what happens when you leave the video game industry: they stop telling you things. Luckily, PK is still industrialized, so his inside knowledge of this "nation-wide public release" allowed me to buy a copy weeks in advance of when I would have otherwise bought it.

So, having played the game for almost a week (every day at lunch and after work... no, I'm not addicted, why do you ask?), I think I'm ready to give my formerly-professional opinion of the game.

Let's get the technical junk out of the way first. The graphics are excellently done, especially for a current-gen system (not HD, for lay-person). They've really squeezed every drop they can out of the hardware, and it shows. I always love Mario-franchise graphics anyway. The colors are always bright and the contrast is always good enough to be able to see everything that's going on on the screen at once. And, as always, I love the simplicity of the HUD.



So, the game comes with a wheel that you can put your controller into to play the game. This sucks. Period. I've been playing MK with a controller since before you were born, sonny. Back in my day, we didn't even have analog sticks. Just D-pads! Anyway, I don't think that the wheel adds anything to the game. Fortunately, Nintendo has given us two alternate controller layouts, one with the nunchuck, which I use and like a lot, and one with the Gamecube controller. The one thing that I will give to the Wii Wheel is that it allows the pointer to still be used. This was a major drawback for me with the Wii guitar for Guitar Hero III. I hate using the analog stick to control the main menu, which is entirely pointer-based.



So that's all well and good, but how's the actual gameplay? I was very concerned about this game after playing Smash Bros. Brawl. Brawl was exactly like Melee, but with a few new characters and levels and some extremely minor tweaks. If I wanted to pay $50 for an upgrade to a game I've been playing for years, I'll play World of Warcraft, thank you very much. So my concern with MK is that it would be exactly like Double-Dash. Well, it's not.

Granted, a lot of the items are the same, as are the characters, but that's what makes it a franchise. The karts actually handle about the same as on the GC too, but I like that. Going back to Mario Kart 64 or even the original SNES version is impossible after having played Double Dash for 4 years. But MK Wii handles very similarly to DD, especially if you set the drifting to manual. This made for a seamless transition. The only thing I don't like about my controller layout is having to use my middle finger for Z if I want to hold an item and use my rearview (which is an awesome feature, by the way). That's been the most difficult part of the transition: not having two characters and having to hold down a button to collect two items. I know it's just like on the N64, but I'm really not used to it, and I keep accidentally firing items that I was trying to use as protection from rear onslaughts. Aaaaaaaaaand that's what she said.



The courses are absurd. There are 16 new courses and 16 retro courses from all of the previous MK games. I'm sure we could get into a prolonged argument about which courses should have been included (Baby Park!), but that's not really worth it. The new courses vary in style and layout much more than previous installments. Driving the new Rainbow Road is actually an acid trip. I think Nintendo incorporated an acid-injection device into the Wiimote specifically for this course. I feel like The Dude in The Big Lebowski when he's flying over the city in his drug-induced haze.



The game is actually a little more difficult than Double Dash, mostly because there are 12 players at once, and the items are prolific. If you're in the lead, you're guaranteed to be raped in the ass with an assortment of blue shells, POW blocks, red shells, inky-things, lightning bolts, and napalm (ok I made that one up, but that's what it feels like). It seems like I'm always kicking ass until the last half lap, when the computer decides that my cute little dream of winning has gone on long enough and it's time for my spirit to be crushed. Still, I like this aspect, since with Double Dash, playing 150cc was basically a time trial with the occasional blue shell thrown in to slow me down.


From Penny Arcade

But, even if I do get tired of pounding the computer in the ass, there's always online play. After some minor difficulties at first (namely, my Wii was still looking for my router in Iowa, which is a little out of its range since it lives in Mississippi now), I finally got the online play to work. I've been kicked off a couple of times for bad connections, but otherwise, online play has been fantastic. I can definitely see myself wasting way too much time playing this game online.


Hey, asshole, stop blocking my tubes!

I will say that it takes too long to get into a game; with Halo 3, it takes about 30 seconds tops until you're actually shooting at people. With MK, you're looking at a couple of minutes. But once you do get started, its a constant onslaught of races, usually against mostly the same opponents. I'm not sure how I feel about voting for which course to pick, mainly because it takes too long for the randomization animation. But, there was one guy online last night who voted for N64 Sherbert Land at least 10 times in a row, which was funnier than it sounds ("why won't you people pick Sherbert Land? What's wrong with you? It's clearly the greatest course of all time!").


Refreshing lime sherbet

I have to admit, I haven't even tried battle mode yet, because just racing has been so much fun. Basing strictly on offline play, I'd give this game an 8.5/10. Throw in the WFC aspect, and it's a solid 9-9.5/10 in my book. I just don't see myself getting tired of this game anytime soon.

Thoughts?

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As if Suns fans weren't pissed enough

Watch this video. Watch a Celtics player (Kendrick Perkins, maybe?) come off the bench, two full steps on to the court, during a fight. Watch a second Celtic (Eddie House?) step over the line as well. Watch Kevin Garnett shove a ref, TWICE (this all happens in the first like 20 seconds). And tomorrow, watch as David Stern is too busy hanging out with Clay Bennett to suspend any of them. I'm not saying the rules are right, but as we learned last year, they are set in stone.

The NBA. Where "David Stern making sure the popular teams win in the playoffs" Happens.

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A Baseball Thought

So, I was perusing the MLB standings today, intrigued by a Deadspin post claiming that both the Rays and Marlins were in first place. To my surprise, they both were. But then sometime else caught my eye: the AL West.

This division only has 4 teams: Anaheim, Oakland, Seattle, and Texas. The other AL divisions have 5. Basic statistics dictates that AL West teams will make the playoffs more often, on average, than other AL teams. I thought, well, that sucks for the rest of the AL, but I'm sure that the numbers of teams dictate that. Not so fast.

2 NL divisions, the East and the West, also have 5 teams, so fair play there. But the NL Central, home of my lowly Pirates, has 6 teams. You don't need to know multi-variable calculus to know that a transfer of one NL Central team to the AL West (or some reorganization with the same effect but better geographical implications) would balance the equation, making the playoff hunt more fair.

But you can't just switch teams, what with tradition and different rules and all. Well, unless you're the Brewers, who got transfered from the AL to the NL for the 1998 season so the Tigers could move from the AL East to the AL Central, what with the critical expansion of adding the D-Rays and the D-Backs (sadly, though, no mention of the D-bags).

So, why the imbalance? It's hard to make the claim that the two leagues are separate and we can't just switch a team. For one, it's already been done, and with inter-league play it just doesn't seem like as big of a deal anymore. My proposal? Send Houston to the AL West. Travel times are a concern, since the divisions are broken up fairly well geographically. But the Astros already have to travel to Chicago, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Cincinatti, and St.Louis, with the latter being by far the closest. In the AL West, they go to Texas (where the already are), Anaheim, Oakland (right next door to Anaheim), and Seattle. Furthermore, it would simplify scheduling and tie-breakers.

Plus, the Pirates would have a better (if still utterly hypothetical) chance of making the playoffs. A big win-win here, I think.

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NBA Playoffs For Dummies

Say goodbye, because it's the last time you're going to be seeing these (flashes teeth)

Let me preface this by saying Fuck David Stern and Fuck the NBA. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to the business of previewing the NBA playoffs. Rather than try to pick a champion, I'm just going to provide one argument for and against each playoff team.

The East:
1: Boston Celtics
Why They'll Win: Easy road to the Finals, dominated West teams all season long.
Why They'll Lose: Two words: Doc Rivers

2: Detroit Pistons
Why They'll Win: Championship experience, a second unit that could have made the playoffs in the East.
Why They'll Lose: Everyone in the East got better, and they got one year older and slower

3: Orlando Magic
Why They'll Win: Great balance on offense, SVG is the only great coach in the East bracket.
Why They'll Lose: Is Hedo Turkoglu winning close games for them??

4: Cleveland Cavaliers
Why They'll Win: Without D-Wade to worry about, refs can concentrate on giving King James all the bullshit calls.
Why They'll Lose: Even with the trade, there's still not much talent after the King.
Fun Cavaliers Challenge: Try to watch Mike Brown on the sideline without thinking of a large mouth bass!

5: Washington Wizards
Why They'll Win: Gil Arenas is well-rested, I guess.
Why They'll Lose: How are they getting past LeBron and the refs in Round 1??

6: Toronto Raptors
Why They'll Win: Umm, all their opponents could get food poisoning.
Why They'll Lose: If any of their opponents don't get food poisoning, they're in trouble.

7: Philadelphia 76ers
Why They'll Win: Because Philly fans are getting closer and closer to mass suicide.
Why They'll Lose: Reggie Evans and Willie Green. In the starting lineup.

8: Golden State Warriors
Why They'll Win: Clutch shooters, wily coach, Baron Davis' beard.
Why They'll Lose: Oops, they're in the West! They're home for the playoffs.

The West:
1: Los Angeles Lakers
Why They'll Win: The Black Mamba finally has a sidekick.
Why They'll Lose: At some point, Lamar Odom is going to decide a crucial game for them.

2: New Orleans Hornets
Why They'll Win: Led by the true MVP, and they actually can play the disrespect card.
Why They'll Lose: Their playoff veteran is... gulp... Peja Stojakovic.

3: San Antonio Spurs
Why They'll Win: The champs know that their window is closing, and they know how to win.
Why They'll Lose: They're kinda old, and injury-prone.

4: Utah Jazz
Why They'll Win: Matchups. If they can avoid the Lakers and Celtics, they'll have an easy path to a championship.
Why They'll Lose: Matchups. They probably won't avoid the Lakers or the Celtics.

5: Houston Rockets
Why They'll Win: They won 22 straight. That'd more than cover a playoff run.
Why They'll Lose: Tracy McGrady! Rick Adelman! It's playoff flameouts, this spring on TNT!

6: Phoenix Suns
Why They'll Win: Shaq wins championships. Look it up.
Why They'll Lose: Defense also wins championships. Stoudamire and Nash don't really do "defense".

7: Dallas Mavericks
Why They'll Win: They have the same core that won the championship two seasons ago, plus Jason Kidd's around to fill any woman-beating needs they may have.
Why They'll Lose: Because David Stern will never allow a German Finals MVP.

8: Denver Nuggets
Why They'll Win: They might have the most talented roster in the NBA.
Why They'll Lose: They backed into an 8 seed, despite the most talented roster in the NBA. This is not a well-coached team.

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NFL Schedules Released Today

So, the interblogs are in a tizzy today over the release of the NFL schedule. I ... I just don't understand why. I can understand if you actually plan on going to some of the games; you might need to make travel plans then. Makes sense. But, considering 99% of NFL fans don't go to a game during the season, can I ask why the hell anyone cares about this release "event"?

Last I checked, the schedules were pretty formulaic. Sure, no one knows when they're playing which teams, but it's pretty well guaranteed who you're going to play. Let's break it down (and correct me if I'm wrong here, PK):

• 2 games each against each of 3 division opponents (6 total)


• one game each against the teams in your conference that finished in the same place in their division as you did in yours (3 games)


• One full round-robin with one out-of-conference division; opposing divisions are selected on a strictly rotating basis. For instance, the AFC North played the NFC East in 2004, and as such does so again 4 years later in 2008. (4 games)


• One full round-robing with one in-conference division. Again, this rotates, so that divisions are matched up every 3 years. (3 games, which excludes the team that finished in the same place in the standings from the 2nd bullet point)

So, had I cared enough, I could have told you that my Steelers, for instance, will play the NFC East and AFC South this year, as well as playing the Patriots and Chargers.

This, in my estimation, is the true source of parity in the NFL. Last year, the Steelers played a fairly soft schedule (having missed the playoffs the year before). This year, they have a 5-game stretch where they play the Colts, Chargers, Bengals, Patriots, and Cowboys. Aside from the Bengals, that's fairly brutal. Finish 2nd or 3rd in your division, you face many fewer quality opponents (on average). So, don't be surprised if the Browns leap-frog the Steelers in the standings this year, or if the Eagles, who were last in their division last year, make a run at the top spot in the East. No hope for the 49ers, though. Sorry, MS, they just suck a whole lot of suck, even in a sucky division.

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Hoc-key?

Here's a rough remembrance of an actual phone conversation that I had today. I was trying to find a place in Jackson, MS to watch the Penguins playoff game, which was not being shown by Versus. For those of you who don't know, Buffalo Wild Wings is a chain, and every one has at least 30 TVs and pretty much every conceivable satellite TV package known to mankind. This was not a terribly unreasonable request.

Buffalo Wild Wings Girl: Hello, Buffalo Wild Wings

Me: Hi, I was just wondering if you were going to be showing the Penguins game today.

BWWG: The who?

Me: The Penguins.

BWWG: Who?

Me (slightly concerned): The Penguins. It's hockey?

BWWG: Hold on. (puts me on hold)

Buffalo Wild Wings Manager: Hello, Buffalo Wild Wings.

Me (surprised by the voice's change of gender): Hi, I was just wondering if you were going to be showing the Penguins game on one of your TVs tonight.

BWWM: The who?

Me: The Penguins.

BWWM: Is that hockey?

Me (thinking he's joking): Ha ha, yeah.

BWWM: Hold on a sec. (puts me on hold. again)

BWWM: What state are they from?

Me (perplexed): What?

BWWM: What state are they from?

Me (more perplexed): I'm sorry, I...

BWWM: Philadelphia, Washington, Colorado...

Me (thinking to myself that Philly and DC aren't really states, although DC's kinda close): Um, Pittsburgh.

BWWM: Nope, sorry, all we got's Philadelphia against Washington and Colorado and Minnesota.

Me (sad and severely confused): Um, ok. Thanks. (hangs up)

I went to a AA baseball game instead. The 2,000 fans there for the third game of a AA baseball season definitely rivaled the intensity of a blood-match NHL playoff game featuring one of the league's best teams. Yeah. Well played, American South.

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