NFL Preview 2008

Due to popular request from at least 2 people, Where's He Get The Mask? has been revived for a 2008 NFL season preview. Lengthy ramblings to follow, after the jump.



AFC: Steelers over Colts
NFC: Saints over Cowboys

Steelers over Saints.

MVP: Ben Roethlisberger (or Drew Brees)
Defensive Player: Mario Williams (Texans)
Offensive Rookie: DeSean Jackson (Eagles)
Defensive Rookie: Sedrick Ellis (Saints)
Coach: Rod Marinelli (Lions)
Surprise teams (good): Rams, Lions, Dolphins, Texans
Surprise teams (bad): Browns, Bills, Jags, Packers

NFC South

New Orleans Saints (13-3):
The Saints have all the ingredients for a Super Bowl run: low expectations, a crappy division, skill at every position, and most importantly, guys who have something to prove (Brees, Bush, Shockey). On defense, they're not going to set any records, but they'll be good enough with the additions of Sedrick Ellis and Jonathan Vilma.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers(8-8):
Just an unremarkable team. They play pretty good defense, play pretty efficient offense... But I can't see Jeff Garcia, Earnest Graham, and Joey Galloway leading a playoff offense. Especially not with an aging defense.

Carolina Panthers(6-10):
Their entire season hinges on Jake Delhomme. Keep in mind that he is (a) not that good and (b) recovering from Tommy John surgery. John Fox might be the most overrated coach not named “Parcells” in NFL history. Also, their best player is suspended two games for breaking the face of their best corner.

Atlanta Falcons(4-12):
I do think this team is headed in the right direction, but with a rookie QB and little else of interest, 4 wins is generous. I think Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood are a great RB tandem, but... can you name any more Falcons? I wish they'd have the balls to keep Matt Ryan on the bench for a season; sometimes starting is good for a young QB, but this is not one of those times.


NFC West

St. Louis Rams(9-7):
Someone's gotta come out of the NFC West clusterfuck... I think Torry Holt has one last great season in him. The line is healthy, if not talented, and basically their entire team was hurt last season. That's gotta be worth a 7 game improvement, right? Right?

Seattle Seahawks (8-8):
An up-and-coming defense, but I've never been overly impressed with the Hasselbeck Seahawks. I wouldn't be really shocked if they win the West again, but they're all a year older, and they have no running game or receivers. That tends to slow down an offense. Seriously, name a Seahawks skill player. I've got Julius Jones at RB, and that dude who backed up Alexander (Morris?), but who are their receivers? Engram, Burleson and Branch are hurt, Jackson and Hackett are gone. Ouch.

Arizona Cardinals (7-9):
Quarterback controversies never end well. Never. I don't care how good the receivers are, and that the defense makes plays...No QB, no playoffs. Sorry, Mr. Whisenhunt. Maybe next year.

San Francisco 49ers(6-10):
J.T. O'Sullivan! Remember, the guy who couldn't beat out Jon Kitna last season, even when Kitna was concussed. This is the 49ers' best QB. Mike Nolan's funeral-style outfits will continue to be appropriate.


NFC North

Minnesota Vikings(11-5):
Adrian Peterson is overrated. He played 3 great games last season, and disappeared for entire games at a time. Given the strength of their defense, the Vikings are better with Chester Taylor as a workhorse and Peterson as a 3rd down back. Why is Brad Childress the only one who sees this?

Detroit Lions(9-7)*:
Because someone's gotta get the 6 seed in the NFC. And they get 4 free wins against the Packers and Bears. That might be enough of a lead for even the Lions to not fuck up.

Chicago Bears (4-12):
How does this happen? Is there anyone who is not Lovie Smith that really thinks this is an NFL offense? I just... want to vomit. Moving on.

Green Bay Packers (3-13):
I don't want to ever read Brett's name again, but the fact is, he carried this team. The defense is ok, the receivers are solid, Ryan Grant is a nobody... Favre made everyone else look better, even at the times when he made himself look worse. Poor Aaron Rodgers... I think by this time next year, he'll wish he had Alex Smith's career.


NFC East

Dallas Cowboys (12-4):
I really maintain that if this team hits any adversity, they'll fold. Unfortunately, their season starts : Cleveland, Philly, At GB,Washington, Cincinnati, at Arizona. They could easily be 5-1, and coast to 12-4 before falling apart in the playoffs. On a different note, I respect Romo for not giving a shit... he's paid like 50 million dollars to play football, and if he wants to bang Jessica Simpson rather than watch football tape, more power to him. Championships don't have to be the most important thing in the world.

Philadelphia Eagles(11-5):
If McNabb and Westbrook stay healthy, the Eagles can hang with any team in the league. Their receivers are already hurt, opening the door for rookie DeSean Jackson, but their lines are strong and their defensive backfield is ridiculous. They lost a lot of close games last season, mainly because their special teams were atrocious and they couldn't score in the Red Zone. Rookies DeSean Jackson and Quintin Demps should address the former, and the health of McNabb and LJ Smith should help the latter.

Washington Redskins (8-8):
I want to like Jim Zorn. Even though he's never even been a coordinator, and most NFL coaches don't figure it out until their second time as a coach, after a few coordinator stints... the last successful QB coach-head coach transition was a large Mormon by the name of Andy Reid. I'd feel a lot better about Zorn if he was spherical. There is enough talent on the roster to be a contender, and enough holes to be a disaster... it all comes down to Jim Zorn. Also, the players might have something to do with it.

New York Giants (5-11):
No one can ever take the Super Bowl away. Unfortunately, God took away their pass rush, and if He takes away their quarterback's newfound accuracy, the Giants are going to be a complete disaster. I kinda get the vibe that they might claim the Super Bowl loser hangover.


AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (11-5):
The Colts have too much talent and stability to not win their division. They look an awful lot like that team that starts off a little slow, maybe 4-3 or something, and then settles down and enters the playoffs on a roll. Unless Manning's knee keeps him out, in which case... see you next year.

Houston Texans (10-6):
The time is now for the Texans. Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were both hurt most of last season, and they still finished 8-8. They have a very good young defense, a Shanahan/Kubiak running game (Ok, it's KYLE Shanahan, but still), and the guy who I think will be the best receiver in football this season. Also, I hope that every time Charley Casserley reports on the Texans, he points out how much better Mario Williams is than Vince Young or Reggie Bush. And then laughs maniacally.

Tennessee Titans (8-8):
Vince Young will still win games with unimpressive stats, partly because his receivers suck and partly because he can't throw straight. But as long as Jeff Fisher roams the sidelines, they'll be competitive (except that one year when they sucked enough to get Vince Young).

Jacksonville Jagwires (6-10):
There's a reason that a year ago this time, David Garrard was a backup. I am still not a believer. MJD is becoming the overrated “underrated” guy, which is fun, but they need to play mistake-free football to have a chance, and I don't see it for 16 more games. Jack of the River has taken this team farther than I thought he would, but it's time for some new blood. Now, if their schedule consisted entirely of games against the Steelers, they'd be 16-0...


AFC West

San Diego Chargers (10-6):
Shawn Merriman is such a freaking idiot. FOUR independent doctors told him that if he played, there's a good chance he's suffer a career-ending injury. He's young, and while this team is primed for a run right now, there's no reason they won't be contenders next year, or even the next few years... unless their best defensive player suffers a career-ending injury. Maybe steroids really do shrink your brain. Or at least the part of his body that Merriman thinks with.

Oakland Raiders (8-8):
I don't know what it is... the law of averages? They can't be THAT bad for so long. They have a respectable defense and like 3 or 4 quality running backs (McFadden, Fargas, Bush, that one other dude)... that's gotta be enough to reach .500 in this division.

Denver Broncos (7-9):
I feel very strongly that Jay Cutler is the kind of player who puts up good stats, and plays well... just well enough to kill your hopes at crucial moments. Good thing they cut Jake Plummer... Jay Cutler is a totally different quarterback. I guess Brandon Marshall is an elite receiver, as measured in ridiculous offseason stories (seriously, slipped on a McDonald's bag and fell through a television?)

Kansas City Chiefs (3-13):
All together now: Herm Edwards is a terrible coach. It's a shame that he plays to win the game, because, um, he usually doesn't. The Chiefs had a good draft, or so I hear, and they should have like 5 or 6 rookie starters. There's a recipe for success, if I've ever heard one.


AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4):
I really like the Steelers this season. They lost one overrated (Faneca was great, 5 years ago) lineman, and that's really it. Roethlisberger quietly had a great season last year, Santonio Holmes has grown into a dominating complement to Hines Ward, they have a brutal 1-2 punch with Fast Willie and Mendenhall... I don't think they have ANY trouble scoring this season. The defense... well, it hasn't changed much. They're still going to blitz, and give up some big passing plays, and get screamed at by Omar Epps. They have a brutal schedule, on paper, but they'll find a way through.

Cincinnati Bengals (8-8):
I almost want to pick the Bengals for the playoffs, but I can't do it. They don't play defense, their offense has talent but they all hate each other... and they just cut their starting running back. I think they're going to start hot (like 5-2), get everyone talking, and then go back to choking and hating each other.

Baltimore Ravens (6-10):
Bring on the Joe Flaccid Era! Seriously though, it looks like Harbaugh might be smart enough to start Troy Smith, the one QB he has who actually, you know, wins football games. But Harbaugh is another rookie coach who has never even coordinated, and he's unlikely to get it right on the first try. Ray Lewis is old. He wasn't young in 2001, when he was stabbing people on a national stage (also winning the Super Bowl).

Cleveland Browns (5-11):
I feel very confident about this: The Browns are NOT ready for prime time. Which is a shame, because they have more prime time games than ANY OTHER NFL TEAM this season. Despite the fact that they really weren't all that good last season, didn't make the playoffs, and their major improvement was Donte' Stallworth and his Martian alter-ego Nicco. Also, see the Cardinals entry about QB controversies. And if you don't think there's a QB controversy in Cleveland, you obviously can't remember longer than 51 weeks, because as of Week 1 last season, Derek Anderson couldn't beat out Charlie Frye for a starting job.

AFC East

New England Patriots (12-4):
Unless Brady's foot injury is worse than we think. Or Randy Moss decides to go back to being the Bad Randy Moss. Or Rodney Harrison gets hit by a giant karmic asteroid. I'd enjoy that third option. But seriously, the Patriots have too much talent, and Belichick will have them playing with a chip on their shoulder, because they've been disrespected by all the people who noticed them losing the Super Bowl.

Miami Dolphins (9-7):
Chad Pennington is the most underrated football player of my lifetime. If he stays healthy, which he should, the Dolphins will be competitive in almost every game. Sure, they won't have completions past 20 yards, but Tony Soprano (hey, ANOTHER head coach who has never even been a coordinator! Ignore my previous comments about experience) should have this team playing smart, tough football.

New York Jets (8-8):
Brett Favre is not the most underrated football player of my liftetime. He is pretty much “rated” these days... He'll make their offense more exciting to watch, and help Thomas Jones get better numbers, but I don't think he makes the team dramatically better. Tony Richardson will help the running game, Alan Faneca and Damien Woody probably won't. Vernon Gholston should follow Chad Ocho Cinco's lead and preemptively change his name to Vernon Bust. That way, people won't be surprised when he gets cut in 2 years.

Buffalo Bills(6-10):
Buffalo, please. Another QB party... do we really think Trent Edwards is the starter for 16 games? The Bills have a lot of guys I've heard of, for a team that sucks hard. Maybe it's something to do with the weather.

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F Leonard Little

Feels sorry. Until he gets a few drinks in him; then feels like driving.
Leonard Little wants to ask forgiveness. "I killed someone and I think about it every day." Little admits. Except for that one day 6 years later, when he was picked up again for drunk driving. So, no, Bryan Burwell of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, I don't want to forgive him. Thanks for offering. I would like to see him hit by a meteor, if that's on the bargaining table.

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Mario Kart Wii - Review

O, Mario... sei un bello uomo!

Mario Kart Wii was released on Sunday, much to my surprise. I didn't even know it was in the works. This is what happens when you leave the video game industry: they stop telling you things. Luckily, PK is still industrialized, so his inside knowledge of this "nation-wide public release" allowed me to buy a copy weeks in advance of when I would have otherwise bought it.

So, having played the game for almost a week (every day at lunch and after work... no, I'm not addicted, why do you ask?), I think I'm ready to give my formerly-professional opinion of the game.

Let's get the technical junk out of the way first. The graphics are excellently done, especially for a current-gen system (not HD, for lay-person). They've really squeezed every drop they can out of the hardware, and it shows. I always love Mario-franchise graphics anyway. The colors are always bright and the contrast is always good enough to be able to see everything that's going on on the screen at once. And, as always, I love the simplicity of the HUD.



So, the game comes with a wheel that you can put your controller into to play the game. This sucks. Period. I've been playing MK with a controller since before you were born, sonny. Back in my day, we didn't even have analog sticks. Just D-pads! Anyway, I don't think that the wheel adds anything to the game. Fortunately, Nintendo has given us two alternate controller layouts, one with the nunchuck, which I use and like a lot, and one with the Gamecube controller. The one thing that I will give to the Wii Wheel is that it allows the pointer to still be used. This was a major drawback for me with the Wii guitar for Guitar Hero III. I hate using the analog stick to control the main menu, which is entirely pointer-based.



So that's all well and good, but how's the actual gameplay? I was very concerned about this game after playing Smash Bros. Brawl. Brawl was exactly like Melee, but with a few new characters and levels and some extremely minor tweaks. If I wanted to pay $50 for an upgrade to a game I've been playing for years, I'll play World of Warcraft, thank you very much. So my concern with MK is that it would be exactly like Double-Dash. Well, it's not.

Granted, a lot of the items are the same, as are the characters, but that's what makes it a franchise. The karts actually handle about the same as on the GC too, but I like that. Going back to Mario Kart 64 or even the original SNES version is impossible after having played Double Dash for 4 years. But MK Wii handles very similarly to DD, especially if you set the drifting to manual. This made for a seamless transition. The only thing I don't like about my controller layout is having to use my middle finger for Z if I want to hold an item and use my rearview (which is an awesome feature, by the way). That's been the most difficult part of the transition: not having two characters and having to hold down a button to collect two items. I know it's just like on the N64, but I'm really not used to it, and I keep accidentally firing items that I was trying to use as protection from rear onslaughts. Aaaaaaaaaand that's what she said.



The courses are absurd. There are 16 new courses and 16 retro courses from all of the previous MK games. I'm sure we could get into a prolonged argument about which courses should have been included (Baby Park!), but that's not really worth it. The new courses vary in style and layout much more than previous installments. Driving the new Rainbow Road is actually an acid trip. I think Nintendo incorporated an acid-injection device into the Wiimote specifically for this course. I feel like The Dude in The Big Lebowski when he's flying over the city in his drug-induced haze.



The game is actually a little more difficult than Double Dash, mostly because there are 12 players at once, and the items are prolific. If you're in the lead, you're guaranteed to be raped in the ass with an assortment of blue shells, POW blocks, red shells, inky-things, lightning bolts, and napalm (ok I made that one up, but that's what it feels like). It seems like I'm always kicking ass until the last half lap, when the computer decides that my cute little dream of winning has gone on long enough and it's time for my spirit to be crushed. Still, I like this aspect, since with Double Dash, playing 150cc was basically a time trial with the occasional blue shell thrown in to slow me down.


From Penny Arcade

But, even if I do get tired of pounding the computer in the ass, there's always online play. After some minor difficulties at first (namely, my Wii was still looking for my router in Iowa, which is a little out of its range since it lives in Mississippi now), I finally got the online play to work. I've been kicked off a couple of times for bad connections, but otherwise, online play has been fantastic. I can definitely see myself wasting way too much time playing this game online.


Hey, asshole, stop blocking my tubes!

I will say that it takes too long to get into a game; with Halo 3, it takes about 30 seconds tops until you're actually shooting at people. With MK, you're looking at a couple of minutes. But once you do get started, its a constant onslaught of races, usually against mostly the same opponents. I'm not sure how I feel about voting for which course to pick, mainly because it takes too long for the randomization animation. But, there was one guy online last night who voted for N64 Sherbert Land at least 10 times in a row, which was funnier than it sounds ("why won't you people pick Sherbert Land? What's wrong with you? It's clearly the greatest course of all time!").


Refreshing lime sherbet

I have to admit, I haven't even tried battle mode yet, because just racing has been so much fun. Basing strictly on offline play, I'd give this game an 8.5/10. Throw in the WFC aspect, and it's a solid 9-9.5/10 in my book. I just don't see myself getting tired of this game anytime soon.

Thoughts?

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As if Suns fans weren't pissed enough

Watch this video. Watch a Celtics player (Kendrick Perkins, maybe?) come off the bench, two full steps on to the court, during a fight. Watch a second Celtic (Eddie House?) step over the line as well. Watch Kevin Garnett shove a ref, TWICE (this all happens in the first like 20 seconds). And tomorrow, watch as David Stern is too busy hanging out with Clay Bennett to suspend any of them. I'm not saying the rules are right, but as we learned last year, they are set in stone.

The NBA. Where "David Stern making sure the popular teams win in the playoffs" Happens.

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A Baseball Thought

So, I was perusing the MLB standings today, intrigued by a Deadspin post claiming that both the Rays and Marlins were in first place. To my surprise, they both were. But then sometime else caught my eye: the AL West.

This division only has 4 teams: Anaheim, Oakland, Seattle, and Texas. The other AL divisions have 5. Basic statistics dictates that AL West teams will make the playoffs more often, on average, than other AL teams. I thought, well, that sucks for the rest of the AL, but I'm sure that the numbers of teams dictate that. Not so fast.

2 NL divisions, the East and the West, also have 5 teams, so fair play there. But the NL Central, home of my lowly Pirates, has 6 teams. You don't need to know multi-variable calculus to know that a transfer of one NL Central team to the AL West (or some reorganization with the same effect but better geographical implications) would balance the equation, making the playoff hunt more fair.

But you can't just switch teams, what with tradition and different rules and all. Well, unless you're the Brewers, who got transfered from the AL to the NL for the 1998 season so the Tigers could move from the AL East to the AL Central, what with the critical expansion of adding the D-Rays and the D-Backs (sadly, though, no mention of the D-bags).

So, why the imbalance? It's hard to make the claim that the two leagues are separate and we can't just switch a team. For one, it's already been done, and with inter-league play it just doesn't seem like as big of a deal anymore. My proposal? Send Houston to the AL West. Travel times are a concern, since the divisions are broken up fairly well geographically. But the Astros already have to travel to Chicago, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Cincinatti, and St.Louis, with the latter being by far the closest. In the AL West, they go to Texas (where the already are), Anaheim, Oakland (right next door to Anaheim), and Seattle. Furthermore, it would simplify scheduling and tie-breakers.

Plus, the Pirates would have a better (if still utterly hypothetical) chance of making the playoffs. A big win-win here, I think.

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NBA Playoffs For Dummies

Say goodbye, because it's the last time you're going to be seeing these (flashes teeth)

Let me preface this by saying Fuck David Stern and Fuck the NBA. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to the business of previewing the NBA playoffs. Rather than try to pick a champion, I'm just going to provide one argument for and against each playoff team.

The East:
1: Boston Celtics
Why They'll Win: Easy road to the Finals, dominated West teams all season long.
Why They'll Lose: Two words: Doc Rivers

2: Detroit Pistons
Why They'll Win: Championship experience, a second unit that could have made the playoffs in the East.
Why They'll Lose: Everyone in the East got better, and they got one year older and slower

3: Orlando Magic
Why They'll Win: Great balance on offense, SVG is the only great coach in the East bracket.
Why They'll Lose: Is Hedo Turkoglu winning close games for them??

4: Cleveland Cavaliers
Why They'll Win: Without D-Wade to worry about, refs can concentrate on giving King James all the bullshit calls.
Why They'll Lose: Even with the trade, there's still not much talent after the King.
Fun Cavaliers Challenge: Try to watch Mike Brown on the sideline without thinking of a large mouth bass!

5: Washington Wizards
Why They'll Win: Gil Arenas is well-rested, I guess.
Why They'll Lose: How are they getting past LeBron and the refs in Round 1??

6: Toronto Raptors
Why They'll Win: Umm, all their opponents could get food poisoning.
Why They'll Lose: If any of their opponents don't get food poisoning, they're in trouble.

7: Philadelphia 76ers
Why They'll Win: Because Philly fans are getting closer and closer to mass suicide.
Why They'll Lose: Reggie Evans and Willie Green. In the starting lineup.

8: Golden State Warriors
Why They'll Win: Clutch shooters, wily coach, Baron Davis' beard.
Why They'll Lose: Oops, they're in the West! They're home for the playoffs.

The West:
1: Los Angeles Lakers
Why They'll Win: The Black Mamba finally has a sidekick.
Why They'll Lose: At some point, Lamar Odom is going to decide a crucial game for them.

2: New Orleans Hornets
Why They'll Win: Led by the true MVP, and they actually can play the disrespect card.
Why They'll Lose: Their playoff veteran is... gulp... Peja Stojakovic.

3: San Antonio Spurs
Why They'll Win: The champs know that their window is closing, and they know how to win.
Why They'll Lose: They're kinda old, and injury-prone.

4: Utah Jazz
Why They'll Win: Matchups. If they can avoid the Lakers and Celtics, they'll have an easy path to a championship.
Why They'll Lose: Matchups. They probably won't avoid the Lakers or the Celtics.

5: Houston Rockets
Why They'll Win: They won 22 straight. That'd more than cover a playoff run.
Why They'll Lose: Tracy McGrady! Rick Adelman! It's playoff flameouts, this spring on TNT!

6: Phoenix Suns
Why They'll Win: Shaq wins championships. Look it up.
Why They'll Lose: Defense also wins championships. Stoudamire and Nash don't really do "defense".

7: Dallas Mavericks
Why They'll Win: They have the same core that won the championship two seasons ago, plus Jason Kidd's around to fill any woman-beating needs they may have.
Why They'll Lose: Because David Stern will never allow a German Finals MVP.

8: Denver Nuggets
Why They'll Win: They might have the most talented roster in the NBA.
Why They'll Lose: They backed into an 8 seed, despite the most talented roster in the NBA. This is not a well-coached team.

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NFL Schedules Released Today

So, the interblogs are in a tizzy today over the release of the NFL schedule. I ... I just don't understand why. I can understand if you actually plan on going to some of the games; you might need to make travel plans then. Makes sense. But, considering 99% of NFL fans don't go to a game during the season, can I ask why the hell anyone cares about this release "event"?

Last I checked, the schedules were pretty formulaic. Sure, no one knows when they're playing which teams, but it's pretty well guaranteed who you're going to play. Let's break it down (and correct me if I'm wrong here, PK):

• 2 games each against each of 3 division opponents (6 total)


• one game each against the teams in your conference that finished in the same place in their division as you did in yours (3 games)


• One full round-robin with one out-of-conference division; opposing divisions are selected on a strictly rotating basis. For instance, the AFC North played the NFC East in 2004, and as such does so again 4 years later in 2008. (4 games)


• One full round-robing with one in-conference division. Again, this rotates, so that divisions are matched up every 3 years. (3 games, which excludes the team that finished in the same place in the standings from the 2nd bullet point)

So, had I cared enough, I could have told you that my Steelers, for instance, will play the NFC East and AFC South this year, as well as playing the Patriots and Chargers.

This, in my estimation, is the true source of parity in the NFL. Last year, the Steelers played a fairly soft schedule (having missed the playoffs the year before). This year, they have a 5-game stretch where they play the Colts, Chargers, Bengals, Patriots, and Cowboys. Aside from the Bengals, that's fairly brutal. Finish 2nd or 3rd in your division, you face many fewer quality opponents (on average). So, don't be surprised if the Browns leap-frog the Steelers in the standings this year, or if the Eagles, who were last in their division last year, make a run at the top spot in the East. No hope for the 49ers, though. Sorry, MS, they just suck a whole lot of suck, even in a sucky division.

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