NFL Picks - Week 9

You're with me, horseshoes.

Last week: MS Pacman (7-6), PK Thunda (8-5), Streets (7-6)
Season: MS Pacman (64-52), PK Thunda (55-61), Streets (52-64)

Carolina at Tennessee (-4.5)

SS: The magic of Vinny is probably over. This makes me sad. Fortunately, Vinsanity lives on in Tennessee. Titans

PK: Can we retire any references that relate a young star to Vince "I play when I want to play" Carter? Oh wait, I was confusing him with Randy Moss again. Titans

MS: After two subpar weeks, I'm in desperate need to turn things around (my colleagues have no idea what a good week feels like, so pardon their apathy). It's time to go back to basics. First, if I know anything, it's never to take the NFC when they're not getting at least a touchdown. Titans



Arizona at Tampa Bay (-3.5)

SS: I'll take "Teams with viable quarterbacks for 800, Alex." Bucs

PK: The answer is: "This quarterback has been on 5 teams in 5 years. Only one of them has made the playoffs". And the Bucs don't have Brian Westbrook. Cardinals

MS: Rule number two: in an NFC crapfest, take the points. Sorry, let me stick with the theme: who is Tampa Bay? Buccaneers



Washington (-3.5) at New York Jets

SS: Hmm, two teams that have been summarily demoralized by their cheating brethren. I'll take the revenge in this game. Redskins

PK: I know they got dismantled last week, and I could not swear, in a court of law, that Joe Gibbs is still alive, but the J-E-T-S are really, really, bad. Redskins

MS: The Redskins got the best possible news last week: Carlos Rogers is out for the year! Seriously, this is the best thing to happen to the Skins since Mark Rypien. I'm surprised they didn't throw a victory parade during the week. I'm not even thrilled about picking them in what seems like a huge let down game, but their secondary will be immensely improved. Good luck, Kellen Clemens. Redskins



Jacksonville at New Orleans (-3.5)

SS: A 5-2 AFC team that's an underdog against a highly-inconsistent 3-4 NFC team? If I actually put money on this sport, this would be the game I'd be most enthusiastic about. Jaguars

PK: Anytime you have the opportunity to wager with Dr. Quinn Gray, Medicine Woman, on the road... I mean you've gotta be pumped about that. I think that Fred Taylor said it best, when asked what Quinn Gray brings to the table as a quarterback: “Probably some ribs, some chicken.'’ (MMQB). Saints

MS: Oh, c'mon, the Saints aren't even a good 3-4 team. I feel bad enough choosing AFC over NFC with Washington, but at least the Charles Rogers corollary triumphed there. What do the Saints have to offer exactly? Plus, I think this might be the first game where they wouldn't cover just by forfeiting. I don't see them playing well under that sort of pressure. Jaguars



San Diego (-7.5) at Minnesota

SS: Interesting fact: The Vikings are 2-5, but have only scored 6 less points than their opponents. Ok, it wasn't interesting, but it might be relevant. Maybe. Vikings

PK: The Chargers will feel like their home town was pillaged and burned after this upset (too soon?). Vikings

MS: Wow, that's just plain inappropriate. Meanwhile, the Chargers have burned me almost every week thus far, so I'm not taking any chances. So, don't worry guys, I'm feeling the heat from the fires even back east. But, really, what else can I say: when you're hot, you're hot. And there's no one hotter than San Diego right now. You might even say they're...en fuego. Chargers



San Francisco at Atlanta (-3.5)

SS: Ah, yes, the famed Crapfest du Jour. And my coin toss says... 49ers

PK: How come everyone goes after NBA teams for tanking, but no one has noticed that the Falcons cut their best run-stopper and are getting ready to bench their best corner? Also, they went into a season with Joey Harrington at QB. 49ers

MS: Wow, let's not talk about my team like that. And, since I'm too depressed to say anything else, my roommate dressed up as Mike Vick with a stuffed dog on his shoulder for Halloween. If there was any doubt that Bostonians are all going to hell, it was removed when he got nothing but high fives at every bar he went to. Niners



Green Bay at Kansas City (-2.5)

SS: Herm Edwards' ineptitude against Brett Favre's highly-acidic, testosterone-laden man-juice? Pour me a tall one, please. Packers

PK: If I have to pick the Chiefs to cover for the first time all season in order to see Herm's long-awaited clock mismanagement... that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Chiefs

MS: Brett Favre is all that is man. I'm not sure if I should stick with this rule, but it seems foolish to gamble against someone whose name cannot be spelled without some help from the word "bet". It's like I've stumbled onto some kind of secret code. Packers



Denver at Detroit (-3.5)

SS: Denver beat my Steelers by 3, then lost to the Packers in OT. I see this being a field goal game. Broncos

PK: If we pretend that the Steelers don't exist, then there is nothing to suggest that the Broncos have been anything but bad since they benched Plummer. Lions

MS: Again, see rule number one. Also, I'll die before I take the Lions giving points. You can quote me on that. Broncos



Cincinnati at Buffalo (-1.5)

SS: Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. My string of using proper grammar continues. Buffalo

PK: At some point, Cincinnati has to stop free-falling, right? Right, guys? Anyone? Bills

MS: Hey Ocho-Cinco, what's the Spanish for "touchdown"? Seriously, it's been six weeks since you've been in the endzone. Do you even remember how to dance? Don't let me down. Bengals



Seattle at Cleveland (-1.5)

SS: Cleveland's hot right now. Well, the team, not so much the city. And Seattle's 4-3 is bloated by the fact that they're in the NFC West. Cleveland

PK: The Charlie Frye Bowl! Cleveland

MS: Wow, I think God would definitely frown upon Jon Kitna's Halloween costume. I expect nothing less than divine retribution. When it comes to gambling rules, definitely don't bet against the almighty--I don't care what teams are involved. Seahawks


New England (-5.5) at Indianapolis

SS: What? Not favored by 102? Why would you go and do that? That is such a disrespectful betting line. What are you, disrespectful? That is so disrespectful. Colts

PK: Am I allowed two reverse jinxes per week, or does my Cowboys pick mean that this one is a waste? Pats

MS: Wow, the Pats definitely shoved it down my throat for abandoning my season long journey with them. Still, you're telling me I get the UNDEFEATED DEFENDING CHAMPS AT HOME and they're getting points. I may be dumb, but I'm no idiot. Colts



Houston at Oakland (-3.5)

SS: Ugh. If there wasn't an intra-NFC West matchup, this one would surely be the Crapfest du Jour. Oakland can still realistically dream about being division champs, so maybe that will motivate them or something. Probably not, though. Raiders

PK: I'd like to see JaMarcus Russell in this game, just so Mario Williams could blow past Robert Gallery and sack him and show two embarassing Raiders picks in one play. Texans

MS: I also have a rule about giving points when the favorite has won less than one third of their games. It's just numbers, people. Sorry Raiders Nation. Texans



Dallas (-3.5) at Philadelphia

SS: God, I wish I could be in Philly for this game. Of course, I would then wish to be anywhere but Philly immediately following the game. Hell hath no fury like an Eagles fan after a home loss to Dallas. Cowboys

PK: God, I wish I could be in Philly for this game. I can't decide if I want to be at home, screaming at the TV, or at a bar, screaming at drunk people. It's a tough choice, really. Cowboys

MS: I know this is an NFC East grudge match and all, but seriously, has no one out west bothered to get up and watch the Eagles play this year? Not even once? Cowboys



Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-8.5)

SS: Again, the Steelers keep getting these huge lines that I'm not entirely comfortable with. Still, that's not going to keep me from picking them against a team that's going to be behind Cleveland in the standings after this week. Steelers

PK: Pittsburgh's really good at home, right? And Baltimore... not so good. I just can't justify the 8.5. Ravens

MS: I don't want to touch this game with Troy Polamalu's pony tail. The Ravens suck. But they're getting points. But they suck. But they made the playoffs last year. But they suck. But they have a great defense on paper. But they suck. But the Steelers cost me $50 when they crapped the bed against Denver. Ah, there we go. Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose. Ravens